Monday, February 9, 2009

On remarriage.... by Sandi

Let me start off by saying that I certainly don’t feel qualified to be answering these questions.  But if you know me, you know I will tell it like it is, the good the bad and the ugly.  So here goes.


“How long were you divorced before you got remarried?

Okay, are you all sitting down?  I got separated on April 1, 2005.   I met Brandon on May 24, 2005.  My divorce was final on August 18, 2005.  I married Brandon on September 17, 2005.  Wow, I still can’t believe I lived through that.   Let me say this, I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING IT THIS WAY!  

“Was it hard on the kids?”

Hell yes!  But their little heads were still spinning from the divorce.  They never had a chance to adjust to being without a man in the house, because Brandon moved in and filled the spot.  They all love him, but it took some adjusting for the big kids.  The little ones were so young that they don’t even remember life without him.  That is a blessing.

“Did you ever feel fear that you would end up divorced again?”

Oh my gosh, YES! I think that is the biggest fear you have in a second marriage.  You know how easy, legally, it is to dissolve a marriage.  It’s hard as hell emotionally, but so is being married.  And there are definitely days that I feared I would just dump the baggage of the marriage and get divorced again.  In a second marriage you have to deal with your own baggage from the previous marriage, and his baggage from his previous marriage, and new in-laws, and step kids, and the exes on top of it all.  AHHHH!  It is NOT easy! 

“What is different this time around from the first time around?”

Everything!  A different person changes everything.  I, too, am different than I was in my first marriage.  The first time, it seems, you are so young and naive and never think this marriage isn’t going to last forever.  You take the union and the person for granted so often and so easily.  The second time is so different because you know how easy it is to walk away, so you are cautious and careful and appreciate the things, both little, and big, that the other does for you.  You are here by choice, not happen stance, and you are here because, even though you have both been burned before, you both have enough faith in each other, and the relationship, to take the chance again.   That makes it VERY different. 

“How many times did you call new hubby by old hubby’s name?  Was it in a fit of rage, passion, or just in passing?”

This is my worst nightmare.  I have done it and it sucks.  I have also been called “Becky” and you all know that isn’t my name.  Thank God it never happened in bed or in any expression of love.  And it only happened very early in our relationship.  I have called Brandon my Ex’s name in rage and annoyance.  The few fights we had in the beginning usually escalated after I screamed the wrong name at him.  I always thought he should be grateful that the old name flies off my tongue so easily in a fit of rage.  He didn’t seem to care how it flew off my tongue, only that it did. 

If you have any other questions please ask.  I am happy to answer! 

Thanks for the opportunity to further subject myself to scrutiny and ridicule! :)

Sandi Benson





  1. What is the hardest part of remarriage?

    Do opposites atract and also stay together?

    Have you made new traditions or do you say, "We used to do it this way when I was married before?"

    Do you think second marriages are better than first because of being more mature and knowing what to expect from the first time?

    The reason for your first there a fear of it happening again in your remarriage?

    Thank you, Sandi!!

  2. I am going to put the kids to bed and answer these questions. Give me an hour!

  3. The hardest part of remarriage is the baggage that comes with it. His ex and his past. My ex and my past.

    I did a whole blog post on opposites. proof of my immaturity

    We have both new traditions and old. Most of the traditions we have kept, are mine, because I have the kids.

    2nd marriages are NOT easier, but I believe they are BETTER. Yes, for the reasons you said.

    The reason for my first divorce...Is there FEAR? Oh my gosh, yes! A huge fear! We are both cheaters. We both have trust issues. We deal with them and work through them often. Neither of us would do it to the other, BUT IT IS A HUGE FEAR!